Miami ZOMBIE Update: Bonus Information!
New news coming out of Miami today. The Miami Herald reports that an autopsy conducted on Rudy Eugene, the so-called “Miami Zombie” revealed that he did not have any human flesh in his stomach. While that may be the case, human flesh was found between Eugene’s teeth, and on the ground surrounding him and his victim, Ronald Poppo, who is still in the hospital with life-threatening injuries. The autopsy also revealed that Eugene had a number of undigested pills in his stomach, although the type of pills is unknown.
What does all this mean for you? Well, for starters you can all rest a little easier as there will be no horde of the undead roaming your neighborhood! Unfortunately, keep your pitchforks and guns ready folks, as this only proves that we have an even worse epidemic on our hands: BEARS.
You see, recently in the land o’ Canada, a convicted murderer was recently given the death sentence by Mother Nature. The method she used: Bears. The man was found dead at the scene, with teeth and claw marks all over his body. A black bear matching the description of the one suspected of killing the man was found to have the same fur as the evidence collected at the crime scene. The parallels between this and the Miami incident are uncanny: GROWLING, NORTH AMERICA, TEETH, BLACK. You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to come up with this conclusion. Obviously there is some type of chemical in the bath salts that are turning our young growling black North Americans into bears, and we gotta control this before it’s too late. STOP TAKING BATHS, PUT PEPPER ON YOUR FOOD, DO COCAINE, just don’t fall victim to these heavenly scented death spices.